Riddles in the dark

Time moves on. It has moved on for me. Sometimes fast. Sometimes slow. I remember the time when I was 18, and fresh into Ram Bhavan. Things were moving fast then too. They aren't a blur. They are very vivid. Sometimes, painfully, sometimes normally, never happily. But this post ain't about that time.

So, now I am 23 1/2. Wow! Five and a half years have passed. Nothing seems to have changed. Nothing about me internally at least. Was it expected to change by the way? Should it have changed? And now, that nothing has changed, are all probabilities of change in the future gone as well?

Let's accept it. I am only writing this because I have some time to do so. A 4 day Chaos period. Hah! Oasis, Chaos. What's the difference. All these holidays are stark reminders of what I am not. I wish there were no holidays in the world.

Did I join it, to punish me. I joined an organisation which makes one work like a dog for a year. Was it this negative motivation that made me do it? Probably yes. At the core of it, I have an immense antipathy to myself. But have I gone too far this time. Probably not. Probably there is a lot more to come. In fact, I am sure of that. Depressingly sure.

Time moves on. People move on. Does it happen for good? Who gains from all this moving. Is that gain worth it? Worth what? Had I been a "failure" ,and stayed at home instead of moving around the world in the last 5 years, what difference would it have made to me. Had I been less wise? Am I wiser now? Is this wisdom relevant? Have I learned nothing? Was it worth learning all that?

But there are some who don't move on. Who stay there. Fixed. Sadly, fixed. I wish all were fixed like that. I wish the world was a lazy place to be, and we were all idiots who knew nothing and liked everything.

Time moves on. Painfully it does.