The cool guy

he told me to "chill".
And i was shocked
for it was hot
and nothing so cold
that i would forget
my problems at hand,
and take his word
and be ruddy chill.

Why should i listen ?
to what he says.
He's not my boss
nor my wife.
what right has he then
to chill or kill?
He's just a guy,
stupid and moronic
smiles at girls and
shakes his head
at every bloody ass
who passes by the road.
why instead ,
then i be chilled?
An incredulous offer
he has me made,
he thinks i would
follow him alright?
A presumptuous fool-
he gives mne thrill.
But i wont chill
Ya! I wont chill.

I feel i am living in an unreal world. Things just go past me. I am just an instrument of time. There's nothing i can do to change anything really. Pretty much like the Matrix.
All i wanna do is to study. The only time i am happy and not depressed is when i am with myself and maybe with a book or a laptop. In the company of others i feel horrible no matter how good is the other person to me(parents being an exception).

And now i am even unsure about my future. should i do this or do that?
Will it really make any difference. Won't i regret doing whatever i decide to do? And when on earth will i start being confident about anything? Should i change myself completely and become someone else just as an experiment.
As of now, there is only 1 thing that i want from my life....And i shall not talk about 'it' , because even the thought of my failure at 'it' makes me wanna kill myself.
But don't worry , I won't. I shall live this shit life until i die naturally . Let's just see how bad does it get. I am expecting ( though nt prepared) for the worst.