The cynic

In the days that were lost
In the nights that are to come
Whores stand by the road
Wanting money for their bums

The meaning of life

In a different world, it's an island. A lonely island but a beautiful one. The sky is of the bluest of shades and the ocean is the most magnificent blue too. The island is vast. And there are trees. Huge trees laden with fruits. The most delicious fruits in the world. I have a mansion, up by the hill. But I am outside right now. The air has the freshest scent of life. And no matter how far I look, the sea goes on. None in sight. Except me, the birds, bees, trees and the island.

Why shouldn't life be this island ....forever, even if it lasts for 1 day. Would money buy that life? Wouldnt one have to work all through one's life to get that kind of money? Then what's the point.

Why do we do what we do? Where are we heading at? To what end? I am so fed up with the mundane bullshit that life serves everyday, that ...................... that nothing. I have nothing better to do than to gobble up the mundanity everyday. That's what I have been trained to do.

The tortoise that lived on a rock

It was a dry hill

No tree in sight

The sun was up scorching

Moonless was the night

The hog grunted nearby

Searching for trash and food

It looked disappointed often

But then drunk up its mood

The lonely lizard lying

Like dead burnt up reptile

And then it would move about

And flattened again in a while

Such was the scene it was

In the neighbourhood of the tortoise

To some it was stupid

To self he was wise

Laying there like a log

He would dream of things great

Wonderful, magical, all those words

Looked over the horizon straight

Years had passed

The tortoise had not moved

Dreaming with wide open eyes

The scorching heat, it soothed

The hill was its friend

The dead lizard his love

The hog was the fun uncle

And the sun blessed from above

The tortoise was bored ,

And yet he loved his friends

Realised they all were dead

Yet wallowed in the trend

The wind blew from the south

Heat and dust it was

Cancerous breeze touched his shell

He gave his stillness a pause

He put out his little head

And checked out his shell

It was hard, it was rock

It rung like a death knell

The protective shell he thanked heartily

For it saved him from hell

Living on the rock was not that easy

But what stories were there to tell?

The bored tortoise decided to move

On to a different rock

But when he tried to do the same

His shell seemed to mock

“Aha!” ,it said ,”Now you move

How dare you worthless creature.

My slave you were; will be ever”

Declared the evil preacher.

The tortoise shrunk back, dumbfounded at this change

The turn events had taken.

Its protector was now its master

The rock seems to be shaking.

But it was too late

For the shell had won .

The tortoise now realised

Its time had come.

It opened its mouth, to try and speak.

But no words came through.

For you see, the tortoise was dead

Long before this poem, I drew.

Riddles in the dark

Time moves on. It has moved on for me. Sometimes fast. Sometimes slow. I remember the time when I was 18, and fresh into Ram Bhavan. Things were moving fast then too. They aren't a blur. They are very vivid. Sometimes, painfully, sometimes normally, never happily. But this post ain't about that time.

So, now I am 23 1/2. Wow! Five and a half years have passed. Nothing seems to have changed. Nothing about me internally at least. Was it expected to change by the way? Should it have changed? And now, that nothing has changed, are all probabilities of change in the future gone as well?

Let's accept it. I am only writing this because I have some time to do so. A 4 day Chaos period. Hah! Oasis, Chaos. What's the difference. All these holidays are stark reminders of what I am not. I wish there were no holidays in the world.

Did I join it, to punish me. I joined an organisation which makes one work like a dog for a year. Was it this negative motivation that made me do it? Probably yes. At the core of it, I have an immense antipathy to myself. But have I gone too far this time. Probably not. Probably there is a lot more to come. In fact, I am sure of that. Depressingly sure.

Time moves on. People move on. Does it happen for good? Who gains from all this moving. Is that gain worth it? Worth what? Had I been a "failure" ,and stayed at home instead of moving around the world in the last 5 years, what difference would it have made to me. Had I been less wise? Am I wiser now? Is this wisdom relevant? Have I learned nothing? Was it worth learning all that?

But there are some who don't move on. Who stay there. Fixed. Sadly, fixed. I wish all were fixed like that. I wish the world was a lazy place to be, and we were all idiots who knew nothing and liked everything.

Time moves on. Painfully it does. 

The wall that never falls

Months have passed since I last held the pen,
Things have changed , situations turned
Around the wheel the destiny sung
Is it the end ,or a new life begun?

What's scary more than either of the two
If truth be told I feel it to be
Nothing different from what's always been
A silly depressed heart-broken me.

What else had I expected ever
What evidence behaved differently.
Rivers may cut through rocks
But boulders stand there brillaintly

Except there is no brilliance in this life
Pathetic pinings and make-belief shinings
Pretensions of glitter and starry eyes
Constant dissatisfaction and whinings.

3 years back when I was writing,
Has the theme changed at all?
Shame on the guy who was fighting
He just couldnt jump over the wall

Time's running out, or it already has?
Every second pushing down chances
Of making it through, crossing the wall
I cant survive now with mere glances.

This probably is the first of its kind
My complete and utter declaration
Of falling in love hopelessly
Another factor in my story of destruction

What stupidity led me to this?
What in the devil's name is happening
Have I not enough to hurt me yet?
Why another curse am I slappening?

Isn't love for those who know who they are
Whose life's are straight and clear.
And not for men lost and fallen
With no strands of optimism near?

I wish I were in control
With ecstasy on one side, and hope on the other
But those evasive bitches have eluded me forever
How long this should last, I shudder.

The cool guy

he told me to "chill".
And i was shocked
for it was hot
and nothing so cold
that i would forget
my problems at hand,
and take his word
and be ruddy chill.

Why should i listen ?
to what he says.
He's not my boss
nor my wife.
what right has he then
to chill or kill?
He's just a guy,
stupid and moronic
smiles at girls and
shakes his head
at every bloody ass
who passes by the road.
why instead ,
then i be chilled?
An incredulous offer
he has me made,
he thinks i would
follow him alright?
A presumptuous fool-
he gives mne thrill.
But i wont chill
Ya! I wont chill.

I feel i am living in an unreal world. Things just go past me. I am just an instrument of time. There's nothing i can do to change anything really. Pretty much like the Matrix.
All i wanna do is to study. The only time i am happy and not depressed is when i am with myself and maybe with a book or a laptop. In the company of others i feel horrible no matter how good is the other person to me(parents being an exception).

And now i am even unsure about my future. should i do this or do that?
Will it really make any difference. Won't i regret doing whatever i decide to do? And when on earth will i start being confident about anything? Should i change myself completely and become someone else just as an experiment.
As of now, there is only 1 thing that i want from my life....And i shall not talk about 'it' , because even the thought of my failure at 'it' makes me wanna kill myself.
But don't worry , I won't. I shall live this shit life until i die naturally . Let's just see how bad does it get. I am expecting ( though nt prepared) for the worst.