Movies ,movies and more movies

Well, i don't get it. Is this why I came to CEERI-----to waste my fucking time watching movies? I mean I know i can be foolish sometimes, and emotional a lot of times, but surely there's a limit to that all.Am i going to stop when this black hole of laziness swallows me into oblivion and ordinariness, which btw, I am scared of the most.

Am I completely transformed, from a sincere studious smart kid into a movie watching, introvert-type couch-potato. Oh yes, I guess, this really describes me well. Or maybe 'loser' will also fit into my depiction aptly.

I want to change. I am begging for a change. And thats what makes the whole situation ridiculous , for I am not begging god, rather I am begging myself! I have lost all control over myself . not that i didn't see it coming. Last year I realized that I am coming in the way of my aspirations. Whatever i wanted to achieve , even the smallest tasks like studying for a test, were hindered by the nashvik in me. Yes, I do sense the development of a the negative, lazy ,destructive force in me. And worse of all, that destruction is aimed at myself. From infancy, that force has reached puberty now, and hell knows how much further will it grow. That I may never achieve any of my dreams is a threat worse than death to me.And the realization that I am the cause of my own decline breaks my heart everyday.

And yet, the movie fever goes on. Thats the only area in which I am left with any knowledge right now. All I ask of myself, Oh great Satyam's soul, is to have the power to obey to what my brain says, and not to listen to the devil's command. I just want to be my old self.

And then there's the added distress of no love. But i'll come to that some other night.